Contradictions

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself; I am large, I contain multitudes."
Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"

One of the things I love most about K is that in him I find a kindred spirit of contradictions. I've thought a lot about this for many years, in terms of my self, and I have posted a few of the tugs over seeming contradictions here on this blog. There are tensions between the "me" that wants to always be in motion and yet root down, who loves all things cosmopolitan and yet craves the solace of the quiet country side, the love/hate relationship I have with the academic work I've done and decisions over my future in in academia. K, I think, shares the first two contradictions (he loves his work, so I don't think he embattled with it as I am) and in these parallels between us I find challenge and comfort. Last night, while we were at The Fratelli's show, K posed another tug: walking the line of age and aging (as we looked around and realized we were the OLDEST people in the audience who were not there to chaperon their kids!!!). He discussed how part of him still wants to be "young"--to be out at all hours, to drink and be merry, and to have the energy to do it all. Part of him at the same time wants to be in bed by 10 and building, financially and conscientiously, toward a "home."

There's both youthful bliss and care-freeness AND adult responsibility in this, and I see it like I see the other seeming contradictions: fuse them and own the contradiction. I think the way I negotiate the tug he discussed last night was to still go out, but occasionally and not until the break of dawn AND to go out with the people I consider "home," who don't posture and who know you for you. That way, you can effectively negotiate both cravings; I don't think either has to be sacrificed, but the key seems to be to not agonize about the "limitations" of diminished energy and instead to readjust our goals when going out. Perhaps this is naive, but I like to think of it as hopeful. I don't mind that I no longer have the energy to go all night--I did it in my 20s and have no regrets--and I don't need to be out all night and meet new people. And why would I want to? I get to go home and crawl into bed with K, and I am more than happy with that.