Softening

As many of you know, I often chafe against the idea of weddings, diamond rings, romance, and having an open heart. But I have to say, as the people I love continue to couple up, I am reminded that many of these traditions are there for a good reason: they are lovely and they (can) represent something deep, meaningful, and celebratory. Although marriage is not the only way to achieve these things, I remain in awe of those who can and therefore do.

As I hear more and more about Erika's wedding plans, see her ring, the amazing invitation they put together, and listen to her describe (with glowing delight) her wedding dress, a tiny spark ignites in me. Perhaps it is the infectiousness of her delight; perhaps it is because I am truly happy for her; perhaps it is because I am softening to the potential for endurance in this gesture of affection....

I guess I worry that I ruined my conception of a wedding and a marriage by going about it all the wrong way, with the wrong person. So, it is not a diamond engagement ring, a white dress, and a cake that in-and-of themselves bother me; it is that I've seen what it looks like to have all of those lovely sentiments with very little substance behind it.

And this is where my loved ones come in.... Watching Jess and Jayson, Jim and Kelly, Melisa and Bobbi (Prop 8 be damned!), and now Erika and Jeremy marry, I have seen examples of what it means to go through these ceremonies with substance, love, loyalty, and an open heart. Perhaps I just needed to see enough models to balance out my own failure and the failures with which I grew up.

I am having faith again. It's an odd and fluttering feeling.