Equestrienne

As most of you know, I am completely obsessed with Project Runway. In the thick of their fourth season, I have started to wonder what exactly it is that draws me to it. I mean, sure, the challenges are inventive and it is fascinating to see a series of creative processes and responses to their design challenges, but it wasn't until this week's episode that I realized what draw lies even further beneath the surface: a desire to piece together my own "fashion" expression.

I have never been a fashionista. In fact, I was raised to dress like a boy and was categorically a tomboy (a few of you can attest). And when I say "dress like a boy," I mean it. My tyrannical stepfather decided on a few rules for my "dress" at an early age: 1. I was not allowed to cut or in any way style my hair 2. I was not allowed to wear skirts or dresses, unless they reached the floor (hence, I never really wore them) 3. I was only allowed to buy clothes in neutral colors and preferably from "western"-themed stores. I am not ever remotely kidding about these arbitrary rules and they truly formed a convoluted sense of gendered identity as much as they created a deep desire to indulge in color and fabrics and textures--and the desire to revel in girly shit. Sadly, by the time I was out of that house, I was clueless. I fell in and out of various styles, and many teenagers do, but I never found a firm sense of personal style--not to mention I have zero confidence in my abilities! That aside, I have found that I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at clothes. I am able to admire someone for their sense of style, but I have never been able to wrap my head around a vision of a stylized self...and then, I watched last week's episode of Project Runway and saw my first glimpse of how I would categorize the ideal, dressed-to-the-nines, dangerously fierce "me."

The past two seasons of Project Runway have been a hunt and peck through various fashion lenses that have piqued my interest. Last season, while I admired some of the designers' abilities, Uli's was too "Miami" and free-spirited for me; Michael's was too Hamptons-meets-Brooklyn; Allison's was too L.A. hipster. Jeffrey (who ultimately won the challenge last year) gave mea small glimpse of a fraction of my "style" identity: tailored punk-rock sassy. But it was tooooo punk-rock for me. I've been drawn to punk stuff, goth stuff, military styled jackets, and leggings (which I know are now a firm no-no on the streets of L.A. and NYC), but I had never seen them represented in one place, and each on its own is so limiting and definitely NOT "me." During last week's episode, I became ecstatic when Jillian sent an immaculately tailored black coat down the runway:


During judging, she referred to it as "punk-rock equestrian," and I thought, that's it!! That's exactly how I would define my ideal style! Awesome. I love this coat because it incorporates the punk, the goth, the military, and the equestrian in such a way that looks sleek and fierce. None of the styles overwhelm the coat, but complement one another perfectly. It's the best of all my favorite styles, but without the pre-packaged rebellion of punk and goth wear, without the the stuffiness of equestrian, or the crappy gold/brass buttons-on-green-drab-or-navy-look of military.

As odd and materialistic as it sounds, I feel like I had a small epiphany about my self: I saw a vision of the fused sense of me, as both a tomboy and a girly-girl, bounding down the runway, and I was thrilled.