Endings

I was talking to Dane last night about how it feels to decompress after finishing your dissertation/doctorate. It feels weird and a little like a sensory deprivation tank. We swapped stories about waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, thinking you have something you should be doing, some deadline you must have missed. He asked me how I'm doing with it, and I responded: "you know, obsessing about things I don't need to obsess about and crying. Crying a lot." He said: "Sounds about right." I miss it at the same time I want to get far away from it, and our conversation made me realize some things about my future in academia (or lack thereof).

Academia is a mixed bag, as is true (I'm sure) with any way of life that is a soul-sustaining creative process. It is, in many ways, also painfully abusive. I think I've said this before, but being an academic is a sure sign that someone is a masochist. It is dangerous to one's ego, thrilling, and engrossing; it also breaks your heart, makes you ill, and asks you to give up, or at least limit, your interpersonal relationships. It is isolating and requires more sacrifices than are sometimes warranted. It is also lovely, passionate, fulfilling, enriching, and I--at times--couldn't imagine life without it, nor would I want it any other way. It is, itself, a relationship.

However, as I look at my options up in Seattle, I have come to realize that academia might just be that relationship that lights you on fire and gets under your skin, a partner you love and worship, but is also the relationship you know you should get out of--no matter how good it feels.

So, we might have to break up.

I'm in the process of applying for an "Education Manager" at Planned Parenthood in Seattle, as well as a Lecturer position at U of Washington in the Writing Program (a Lecturer is someone who is full-time, but who is not tenure-track, nor do they get said well, nor do they have much status at the college; it is renewable every year, so it is also not really stable, and you have to teach the classes no one else wants to teach). And I wonder: what do I want? When I talk to K about possibly leaving academia, he is sure to keep reminding me to not limit my career just so we can stay together. I think he underestimates how much I have been thinking about this, how careful I am to not "throw away" all I've worked for. This is not a criticism of him. In fact, I think his reminder is a sign of his respect for me and all I've worked for. But I have thought about it, in detail, and any decision I make about my (non) future in academia will be because I want something different from life than what it offers. Is he a factor? Sure he is! He makes me happy and fulfilled in ways I have only wished for but had never experienced. Is the decision motivated by or based on him? No. A firm and resounding, no. Again, this is not a disparagement of how much he means to me; rather, it is a reminder that I am not a fool.

I do know that I don't want to move to Texas, Alabama, or Utah (where the majority of jobs are this year, in my fields). I know that I am not willing to kill myself every fall to apply for jobs (along with hundreds of others) that pay $30K a year for 60 hour weeks So, it is time to weigh sacrifices. Do I keep to my original career goal of working toward a tenure-track professorship? If I say yes, then I would give up a life that I actually want. The trade off, of course, of staying in academia, is enriching work and "making a difference" in intellectual circles, publishing, and traveling to conferences. And then I think: who cares about intellectual circles? Well, I do, but I am not sure I want that life to define and encompass me.

Then, I think about working for Planned Parenthood, perhaps having a side freelance editing job (which would fan my academic flame in a less brutal way), and living somewhere that makes me happy, and with someone who feels like home.

Perhaps the key to all of this is a paradigm shift: live in a city I want to live in, find a job that "makes a difference" in the real world and uses my degree, create a new life that is a little more on my terms and not subject to the often volatile whims of academia....

I don't know. We shall see.