Slow Draw

There are so many transitions coming, mostly good.

I move in with Kyle in two weeks, and I couldn't be happier! I love the neighborhood, I love him, and I feel safe and at home in our new nest. I have sold my old CDs to my favorite record shop, and some of my old grad school books I will NEVER read again (yet have clung to tenaciously, for some odd reason) have found a good home at Ophelia's Books in Fremont. I am pooling together this money for new furniture for the new place. I am shedding--old mental spaces, old musical soundtracks, old body coverings--and it feels really good.

It's also oddly scary. I get a deep sense of panic at unexpected moments, and this puzzles me. The transitions are all good: great man, good space, fantastic job. Where does this panic come from???

One transition that is painful and almost inexplicable is around my mother. Sometimes, you have to recognize when a relationship is not only one-sided and conditional but toxic. I have to break up with my mom, and this is devastating. You all know how hard I have tried to make it work with her, how much love and time and care I have put into my relationship with her. I have been unconditional in my support and love for her, and what it has left me with is, well, nothing. There is no reciprocity; I am important when it is convenient and strategic. Not to mention that my mother left my life for eight years during my formative years for a man who was viciously abusive. I won't go into more detail than that, but suffice it to say that many of her choices have ruined parts of me, parts of me I am not sure will ever be repaired. I am not sure I can ever reconcile this, so I have to protect myself, draw out the poison, and grow.

I am being very candid here, and I hope it does not make any of you uncomfortable. Although I think most of you already know most of this and more....

The best I can do is to be strong and make smarter choices for myself, ones that help me move forward and healthily so.