SHIFTSHIftSHiftShiftshift

In the midst of my modicum of existential crises and doses of self-doubt, K reminds me (as I whirl about and wonder): we have to pay our dues.

Yes. Yes, I do.

I am one year (and change) out of my PhD. I am one year on the full-time, full-force job market. There are options...possibly, and this is more than I can say for the hundreds of thousands of folks out of jobs.

Grad school cultivates a rather velvety, comfy cushion. It is not the real world, and you leave it feeling a sense of (dare I admit it??) entitlement: what do I "deserve" with the degrees I have worked for and landed? Well, the world, apparently.

K reminds me to keep perspective. It will not be handed to me; I have to put in my time. I have to suffer a bit before the release comes.

Yes.

I asked K when we get to stop paying our dues. He said 2-3 years, but I wonder: what if the answer is never? I am both invigorated and wilted by this idea.

I want my life to move forward, and I want to do so with a keen urgency. I told K that I feel like my shoes have grown too small for my feet, and waiting for the money to buy new ones is literally painful. My heart and cells tug toward growth, but I am not in a position to embrace or indulge that growth. This frustrates me.

There are good things on the horizon, movements forward. K and I are staying home for the holidays. No running about, just time with Mel and a tree and lots of cooking. K has been buying kitchen goodies and gadgets to build up the kitchen we will develop after we move in together in a few months.

I love this growth, but I want growth and challenge in my work life. Perhaps I will always be the girl who wonders what's just beyond the next door, never satisfied. Then I think that I refused to settle in my love life, and look the good that has come from that. You CAN have exactly what you want, you just have to know what that "it" is. So, I start to think that my "dissatisfaction" with my current teaching life might be a sign that there is something more for me.... Perhaps my discontent is a sign that I am settling. Now I know what it feels like to NOT settle, so I know it's possible; I know what it feels like to get it "right." Perhaps I can apply that principle to my work life???

We shall see.